Ask The Intuitive- Initiative
Q: For a few years now I have had the problem of a lack of initiative. I have always had interests; but, did little at times to engage in getting anywhere with them ( In school I loved being a part of the band; but, just couldn't make myself practice the clarinet). That seems to me to be an issue with self discipline. However, the past few years, I have lacked interest in things I have always loved: gardening/yard work, music, my house, my kids (yes, my kids!!! yes I love them and I care about them; but, the interest in their lives wanes). Everything seems like an effort. I do have a strong interest in developing a spiritual practice. I have taken on grounding through meditation and really like being engaged with my body. I have been working at times with meditation and am beginning to experience more of a connection through that. However, despite enjoying the practice, I fight with myself to do it. I may succeed 2 days out of a week. The other days, I just vegetate and overeat. Yesterday, I received an email to sign-up to volunteer to administer CoVid vaccinations. (I did sign-up with Ohio Responds for this purpose). I wanted to schedule dates and times to volunteer; but, I just felt that going out there to assist with vaccinations would be a drudgery. So, I did not schedule myself. Is this lack of initiative really a lack of self discipline or is there more going on?
A: Yes! There is so much more going on for you. Thank you for asking the question and allowing yourself to not only be vulnerable but also to help many others who may not even notice how they are drifting into this pattern. The very short version of this answer is the collective unconscious ( where we all draw our sense of community and connectedness from ) is overflowing with grief. Grief that is unresolved and seemingly unresolvable. Each day we see new evidence of humans acting in unspeakable ways that are becoming not only normal but common. There is a concept that will help you. It is an awareness of the human condition and how to detach from this collective and still belong and connect. That is the current condition that is sinking your sense of movement and commitment. It “all” just seems pointless at a very deep level.
More personally, you punish youself for what you believe were unforgivable choices you have made that you see as damaging others ( and yourself ). You are paralyzed with terror that any choice you make now will be wrong . No matter how good it looks on the surface, your judgment on how “it” will turn out has the expectation that you will do poorly or it will reflect on how you have been in the past.
Oddly, I don’t see that you have been all that “evil” in this lifetime. Do you have a spiritual belief system? Or a group of people or mentor that can give you better balance on who you are? A spiritual guide would be ideal. Someone you trust who shares your spiritual beliefs in life. You can do so much more for yourself as you free up that autonomic nervous system that has you paralyzed with fear.
I would love to mentor you. You have so many loving qualities and you are so close to being free. You deserve some loving mirrors. Please reach out!
This evolution has been accelerated by the pandemic isolation.